


Stag Do

by geniusphilester (gorgeousnerd)



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Las Vegas, M/M, Stag Nights & Bachelor Parties, Stripping
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-15
Updated: 2019-07-15
Packaged: 2020-06-28 12:48:01
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,100
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19812625
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/gorgeousnerd/pseuds/geniusphilester
Summary: Dan gets more than he bargained for when he and Phil go to Las Vegas for a mutual stag do.





	Stag Do

**Author's Note:**

> I pulled a lot from experiences I've had living in Nevada, but I took artistic liberties in a few different places. Thanks to my Twitter mutuals for their encouragement!

The drive to Las Vegas from Anaheim wasn't too terrible; Google Maps directed them on a route that didn't take them past Los Angeles proper, so they didn't get stuck in traffic, and Martyn had driven in the United States far more times than anyone else in the rented car. The rest stop bathrooms in Nevada were horrid, but nothing Dan couldn't handle.

What was awful was how bloody _hot_ it was when they parked in their hotel's garage.

"Remind me," Dan gasped as they dragged their suitcases to the lift, "whose idea it was to come here in mid-July."

Phil was as red as a tomato as he pressed the button. "Yours, if I recall."

Of course it was.

"'We can go to VidCon, see our friends.'" Phil's impression of Dan was too good at this point.

The air conditioning in the elevator was almost too cold. Dan could almost feel his teeth chatter as he, Phil, Martyn, and Cornelia squeezed themselves amongst four people looking carefully at their phones.

"How hot even is it," Dan asked Martyn, who also had his phone out.

Martyn switched to the weather app, which had a giant 43 in white numbers.

"How is that even possible," Phil groaned.

"You think we'd be used to it after Phoenix last year," Martyn said, but he was grinning at Phil even as he sweated.

"I hate everything," Dan groaned.

-

After a nap and a dinner of sushi, Dan hated things less. It had barely cooled down outside, but they Ubered to the Venetian to take ridiculous pictures with wax figures - Phil insisted they would haunt his nightmares, and he was probably right - and watched the Bellagio fountains after dark.

Dan wrapped his arms around Phil's waist as they watched. It was the boldest they'd ever been in public in a long time, and it felt weird to find resting his chin on Phil's shoulder exhilarating, but roller coasters had nothing on public displays of affection with Phil Lester.

"Stop it, it tickles," Phil said as Dan giggled next to his face. "What are you laughing about, anyway?"

"The rush of hugging my fiance in public," Dan murmured.

Dan could almost feel Phil's face soften with fondness. He could definitely feel Phil lean against him a little more.

-

They weren't too tired to have some ridiculously hot sex in their hotel room before falling asleep. Funny how being happy made the sex that much better.

-

Phil ordered them waffles from room service for breakfast and made sure to ask for about a million syrups.

"This is why I'm marrying you," Dan said around the waffle in his mouth and an accompanying groan.

Dan wasn't sure what was more endearing; the way Phil still grinned ear-to-ear about marriage talk, or the way his cheeks pinked.

-

"Dan. Daaaaan."

"Mmmr."

"Daaaaniel."

"Fuck off."

Phil collapsed on top of Dan, knocking the air out of him. Dan shoved at him until Phil rolled off him laughing.

"Did you have a nice nap?"

Dan yawned and sat up. "I was. Shame it has to end in murder."

He chased Phil around their large suite for a few minutes, poking at him whenever he came into range. The whole thing ended when Phil growled quietly, tackled Dan onto the bed, and kissed him hard for a good five minutes straight.

But when Dan's hands drifted toward the flies of Phil's jeans, Phil stopped him.

"Really?" Dan said.

"We have to meet up with Martyn and Cornelia." Phil rolled off Dan, but not before mussing his curls a bit. "Remember how we promised Louise we'd keep the night open?"

"That's tonight?" God, Dan didn't want to know what Louise had planned for them. And she wasn't even there; she was back at home, safe across the Atlantic. "Can't we just say that we did her thing when we have the thing back in London?"

"Thing? Party isn't a dirty word."

Dan gave Phil a look.

"You're right. I don't know what I was saying." Phil adjusted his quiff, more out of old habit than actual need. He barely had to mess with his hair now that he didn't have the emo fringe. "I don't know what Louise has in mind, but Cornelia told me at lunch that it's expensive."

"She knows? And she didn't tell you?"

Phil shrugged. "I'm not very good at interrogation."

Dan heaved a large sigh and forced himself out of bed with an even larger groan.

"You owe me a blowjob, Lester," Dan said as he went for his luggage.

"Why, exactly?" Phil's cheeks pinked again, but his eyes darkened.

Dan stared at Phil's mouth for a moment before shaking himself off. "Just because. Are you sure we can't skive off and just have a round of orgasms tonight?"

"We can do that at home. This is our stag do, remember?"

"Stag dos can be just two lads making each other come, can't they?"

Phil shifted on his feet in the way that told Dan he was definitely turned on. But because Phil was a better person than Dan ever would be, he said, "Meet you at Martyn's room in ten minutes."

Dan made sure to groan loudly as Phil left the room.

-

A table in Martyn and Cornelia's room had a large spread of tickets spread across them. As Dan approached, Phil was staring at them in horror. A flash went off as Dan read them and his own jaw dropped.

Chippendales. Magic Mike Live. Thunder From Down Under. And...

"Oh, that one's mine," Martyn said, grabbing a Cirque du Soleil ticket off the table. 

"We also brought these." Cornelia approached with an arm full of...Dan couldn't even tell what. "Louise's orders."

Dan met Phil's eyes in panic as Cornelia adorned them in white veils, penis shot glass necklaces, and signs that said "Groom" in the kind of font Dan would expect to see on Pinterest. It was probably the shock and horror that had them standing frozen as Martyn gleefully took pictures on his phone.

Luckily, Cornelia helped them as they realised what was happening and they started trying to rip things off each other, with little success. Who knew a cheap, fake veil could nearly choke someone? Martyn was too busy cackling in place to do anything vaguely helpful. "I didn't think you'd go out like this, but Louise will like pictures."

"Which she's already seen," Martyn said, showing them the messages app on his phone.

"You," Phil said, looking between Cornelia and Martyn, "are _evil_."

"The tickets aren't real, are they?" Dan's voice came out hoarse. "There's no way we can see three strip shows in one night."

Cornelia grinned. "Oh, they're real."

If Dan hadn't seen the prices on the tickets, he would have burned them in the sink. As it was, he met Phil's gaze.

"We're rich," Phil said out loud. "We can just...flush them. And pay Louise back."

Dan shook his head. "We're in the desert. Must conserve water."

"Right. I can buy a lighter in the gift shop."

"Exactly what I was thinking."

"You were the one who was talking about your wild stag do," Martyn said. He'd stopped laughing, but the evil smile was probably going to be on his face the rest of his trip. "'Me and Dan are well laddy. We'll paint Las Vegas red.' Wasn't that what you said?"

"You said that?" Dan asked Phil, who was staring at his feet.

"Does it get any wilder than alcohol and half-naked men?"

"I was _joking_ ," Phil said desperately.

"I'm buying all your alcohol," Cornelia said. She was gathering up the tickets. "Let's go have shots before Martyn goes to his show and we go to our first."

Dan scowled at Martyn as Martyn pushed Phil toward the door. "How the hell did you get out of this?"

Martyn shrugged. "Have to ask Louise."

-

They started with two shots of vodka that tasted nothing like vodka, which told Dan that more than two shots would leave him on his arse. Tempting, since a too-drunk Dan might be able to weasel his way out of public humiliation, but he also knew who he was when he got extremely drunk, and an uninhibited horny Dan in Las Vegas around stripping men was too dangerous.

But he got a brainwave after his second shot, and he directed Phil away from the table in their restaurant, saying they were going to find the loo.

"Say you don't want to go," Dan said excitedly, as soon as they were out of range. "You're on the edge of death. Someone sneezed on you at VidCon."

"Several someones sneezed on me at VidCon," Phil said with a sigh. "But I feel fine."

"So? We don't have to be telling the truth."

"You know how terrible I would feel if we ducked out?"

"Not as terrible as you would feel going?"

"Why don't you pretend to be sick?"

"Because I," Dan said, gesturing at himself dynamically, "am the one without a soul. No one would believe me for a second."

Phil closed his eyes for a moment. "Would you hate me if I kind of wanted to go?"

Oh no. This wasn't something Dan had factored into the equation at all. He knew that he would go if Phil did because he wouldn't leave Phil to his fate, and he knew he would have no pangs of conscience if Phil skived off and Dan could just shrug and follow. But Phil? Wanting to _go_?

Dan realised, with growing horror, that he couldn't abandon Phil even more if Phil was a willing participant. Because Phil having fun at something raunchy was basically Dan's kryptonite.

Hanging his head, Dan said, defeated, "I want a divorce."

Phil patted his shoulder soothingly. "After we're married."

-

The bouncers checked IDs at the door, which really brought home the "kids can't see this" concept to Dan, and the bar inside the Chippendales theater looked basically like a well-put-together strip club, complete with poles and very attractive men bartending. Cornelia grinned and bustled off to get them drinks.

"We could just take a picture here and leave," Dan said. "Louise will think we went, she has blackmail material for the internet, we don't actually have to do this. Everyone wins."

But Phil was smiling as he looked around at the crowd, which was mostly drunk women chatting amongst themselves and completely ignoring them. Some of them had on ensembles like the ones Dan and Phil had been wearing in the hotel room. None of them looked like fans who would approach for selfies, thank god.

"This is nice," Phil said, which was possibly the worst thing anyone could say at that exact moment. "Don't you think it's nice?"

"Don't you remember the one time you were in the lift and all those drunk women hit on you?"

Phil scoffed. His cheeks were flushed in the way that they got when he'd been drinking. "They're not here looking for me. Or us. I'm sure we won't even register."

As the theater proper opened up and the queue resumed to get in, that seemed to be true. Cornelia brought them drinks that looked suspiciously strong in cups that had shirtless men with bow ties on, and the women filed in without giving them a second glance.

"Cheers," Dan said grimly, and he took a very big sip. And winced.

It was going to be a long night.

-

The theater was small. This did not seem to bother either Phil or Cornelia, but Dan had been expecting...well, a Vegas theater. Not a small black box that couldn't have sat more than a hundred or so.

His panic grew as the usher led them to a table directly next to the stage. There were three chairs: one next to the stage, one next to the aisle, and one in the middle.

"Dear god," Dan said.

"I'll take the stage," Cornelia said, easing into the aisle. "Phil next to me, and you on the end."

"I thought you liked me, Cornelia!"

"Being her brother-in-law has perks." Phil grinned as he took the seat she indicated.

Dan huffed and sat down hard in the aisle seat. "I'm going to be your brother-in-law soon enough, you know. That's the whole point of this. Don't you want to get in good with the in-laws?"

"I'll take my chances." Cornelia had a glass of wine on the table in front of her, and Dan suddenly remembered that she hadn't had the vodka shots earlier. She'd deemed herself their guardian, which had sounded kind of nice to Dan at the time. Now, it just looked like she was making sure she had the ability to humiliate Dan as much as possible.

Against his will, Dan respected her a little for that level of evil.

"You get leg room," Phil said, nudging Dan a bit. And then he took Dan's hand under the table, lacing their fingers together. "And I'm looking forward to this."

Of course he was. No matter what the internet thought, Phil Lester was basically Satan. Which made Dan...Satan's bride? Oh god, that was far too perfect.

"I hate you," Dan said.

Phil kissed his cheek.

-

The show was basically what Dan expected: a bunch of sculpted men humping women while the audience screamed. Only a couple of the men could dance, and their numbers were good, but most of it was a lot of silly dressing up and thrusting along to music.

Phil laughed with delight the whole way through, even though he also looked extremely embarrassed. Phil never would have been able to do something like this a decade ago. Which is probably why Dan ended up watching Phil more than the show. They held hands almost the entire time, and Phil kept smiling so brightly when he looked at Dan that he left Dan dazed, in a way that just alcohol wouldn't explain.

(Cornelia, being responsible, had gotten their very shirtless cocktail waiter to bring them waters after their strong initial drink. Said waiter had had to lean over Dan to deliver them, and dear god the last thing Dan needed was to get a hard-on next to his fiance in public.)

As the show approached to a close, Dan was almost ready to call the experience nice. But then the dancers jumped in the audience, and Dan felt his chair being dragged to the aisle.

"Oh no," he gasped.

A very, very attractive man with a leaner build than the rest and black hair made eye contact with him and smirked confidently as he grabbed Dan's hands. He dragged Dan's hands down his very sculpted abs, and Dan was extremely grateful that he was too embarrassed and drunk to get genuinely turned on because it was the only thing that would make the experience worse. Or better?

Damn it, Dan was too fucking gay for this.

After a minute of show-approved groping that felt like an hour, Dan got a kiss on the cheek and pushed back into his table. 

"Dan!" Phil gasped in his ear between laughs. He slung his arm around Dan's shoulder and shook him a little.

Dan put his face into his hands until he could wipe his half-aroused, half-embarrassed grin off his face.

-

Luckily, the Magic Mike Live show was too soon after the Chippendales show for them to stick around for pictures on the Chippendales' laps. Not that the humiliation would ever be erased from Dan's soul.

Phil draped himself happily on Dan in their Uber as they made their way from one side of the not-quite-on-the-Strip to the other. Considering traffic, the Rio and the Hard Rock Hotel were actually not that close together. Dan felt a surge of hope. Maybe they would miss this one.

"You looked so hot with that man," Phil said in Dan's ear. It seemed like he'd gotten a drink somewhere that Dan hadn't, judging by his breath. "Would you do a lap dance for me?"

"Philip Lester." Dan tried to sound scandalised, but he mostly sounded impressed. "We're in a car."

"Not _now_. Later. Tonight."

Dan checked to make sure Cornelia was chatting happily with the driver from the front seat before he said, "We both have two left feet. You can't think of something we're better at doing?"

"I probably have a few ideas." Phil did that weird tongue-biting thing as he stared at Dan's mouth.

God, Dan wanted to kiss Phil. It was past his boundaries for public affection, especially with Cornelia in the car, but...

"Oh, here it is," Cornelia said, as they turned into the Uber dropoff. "Should have just enough time to get to the theater!"

Dan moved back from Phil and slumped backward with a groan. "My legs are tired. I won't be able to walk."

The car stopped, and Phil got out clumsily, managing not to trip over his feet as climbed out. Before he closed the door, he said, "Guess I'm going by myself, then."

"No, you're not." Dan climbed out of the car, and Phil was already running for the door. "Phil? Phil! Let's not go to hospital on this trip! Phil!"

-

Cornelia was right, and they made it to the Magic Mike theater in plenty of time. It was a lot more aesthetic than the Chippendales theater had been, and it felt bigger, with a lot of dark wood on the walls, neon signs, and two levels for people to sit. Dan found himself getting a little excited. Maybe they could sit up top and watch out of reach, like they were in the back row of a stadium.

But of course, their usher led them down, down, until they were past all the rows and tables and in the front on a couch, sat directly between two parties of drunk women.

"I get middle this time," Dan said triumphantly, sitting so that Phil had to be to his left and Cornelia to his right. "I don't care if it doesn't save me. I still get middle."

But it turned out it did save him because not five minutes after they'd sat, a decorated white woman leaned on Phil. "I'm getting a divorce!" she said happily, in a loud American voice. "My husband cheated on me, and my friends brought me here once the papers were final!"

"Oh," Phil said, eyes wider than pancakes.

"What brings you and your boyfriend here?"

"Oh," Phil said again, looking at Dan. "Actually, we're..."

"Engaged," Dan threw in happily.

"Oh, congratulations!" The woman hiccuped. "Sorry. So this is your engagement party?"

"No, it's...what is it, Dan?"

"Hmm, I don't remember the American term for it." Dan knew exactly what it was called. He just waited long enough for Phil to squirm before he said, "Bachelor party. We're having a mutual bachelor party."

"Oh, that's so sweet! How long have you been together?"

"Ten years." Phil grabbed Dan's hand and squeezed. Dan squeezed back. Payback and affection. Maybe this stag do wasn't so bad after all.

-

Actually, the Magic Mike show was quite good. It had a narrative, everyone on stage could dance or play drums or swing from ropes or whatever, and Dan got to watch Phil get ground on for a change during the opening, when they were clearly lambasting how unsexy shows like Chippendales were by comparison. A man dressed as a firefighter tried to get Phil to fellate a fake hose. It was the best thing Dan had ever seen.

But after that, they were mostly left alone - it turned out there were places for the dancers to climb, so not even the top rows were free from attention - and Dan actually found himself having fun. It felt more like a proper show, if one having to do with sex, than whatever the Chippendales debacle had been. No one was quite as sculpted as the Chippendales had been, but that was sexier, somehow. 

And, okay, one of his favourite dancers bent over not five feet from Dan on two separate occasions and gave him a nice view of his arse. Dan threw the fake pink money they'd been provided at the dancer, even as he blushed. He couldn't just stop being a pervert, could he?

When a silver-haired woman was lying on a piano and getting serenaded, Dan leaned over to Phil.

"Thanks for making me do this," he whispered. 

Phil squeezed his hand. "Thank Louise later."

-

As Dan left the theater and headed back to the cab stand, steeling himself for another show, Phil surprised him.

"You should take Martyn to the last show," Phil said. "Give away the other ticket or something."

Cornelia's face brightened. "Oh, he would hate that. You sure you don't want to go?"

"Plenty sure," Dan said quickly. "You have enough pictures to convince Louise we played along, but I could use something to eat."

Cornelia got her own Uber to meet up with Martyn, and Dan turned to Phil as they waited for theirs to appear. "You saved me."

"Us, actually." Phil grinned. "I didn't think I could do another one."

"Didn't you like this one?"

"I did! But it's getting a bit samey, all those naked men." Phil laughed. "And I actually am hungry."

They went back to their hotel and ate at the buffet. They were both a little drunk and kind of tired, so they mostly stuffed their faces and made whale sounds until they were convinced they couldn't fit anything else in.

Still, neither of them were ready to go to bed, so they wandered the casino, casually hand-in-hand like they did it in public all the time. It was after midnight, but it was oddly quiet. For a casino, of course, which meant the floor was just as bright and loud as ever, but they didn't really have to navigate around any crowds.

Phil pulled a twenty-dollar bill out of his wallet. "Fancy a go at one of the slots?"

Dan considered for a moment before an idea struck.

He found a map and led them, with only a few wrong turns, to an even quieter floor of the casino, where an arcade sat. It was impressively large for an arcade, taking up almost the entire floor, but it was late enough that most of the people in it were drunk young adults.

They put some money on a card - apparently, it wasn't enough that slot machines didn't pay out in money; the arcade had points instead of tickets or whatever - and moved around from racing games to a Kung Fu Panda hitting game to a pretend roller coaster game. They made a good team, even drunk. And even if they didn't score well, which they didn't. Dan knew what Phil could do and vice versa, and they laughed even when they inevitably screwed it up.

The last game of the night was Dance Dance Revolution. Dan picked easier settings than he could actually play because it was nearly three in the morning and he was flagging.

"Pick something with low beats per minute," Dan said, covering his mouth to keep from yawning in Phil's face. "I don't want to have to work too hard."

"Fine, grandpa." Phil grinned in response to Dan's offended spluttering, but he looked tired, too.

"If I'm a grandpa, you're a great-grandpa."

The song starting cut off a potential retort from Phil. They played in silence for a few moments, and it was so familiar, Phil bouncing on a dance pad next to Dan.

"How many times have we done this?" Dan asked. "In the last decade."

"Too many to count," Phil said.

"Think we'll be able to do it for another decade?" Dan jumped a couple times to catch arrows.

"Probably longer."

"If you don't break your hip."

"Hey."

They met eyes for a moment, and a wave of fondness hit Dan. It was so powerful his eyes started to well up. He tried to blink the tears out before Phil could see, but a loud sniffle gave him away.

"Are you crying?" Phil asked.

Dan laughed in reply. The tears had started, and they didn't seem inclined to stop at any point soon. And Phil laughed too, his eyes starting to look puffy.

They finished the song and drew each other into a hug.

"Two more decades of DDR," Phil said, voice slightly thick. "Three."

"Screw you, I'm going to be playing when I'm eighty, and you'd better be doing it with me, or we're getting a divorce."

Phil squeezed tighter. "Deal."

**Author's Note:**

> [Tumblr link](https://gorgeousnerd.tumblr.com/post/186294939711/stag-do-4100-words-by-gorgeous-nerd-chapters)


End file.
